Our Attachment Plan

Tim and I started this adoption process almost 2 years ago.  We have definitely had our ups and downs, highs and lows, but I can’t say I would change a single thing.  God has taught us so much and we have grown so much!  And it is all just the beginning.  In a couple of weeks we will return to Ethiopia and gain custody of our son, Cooper.  After about a week in-country we will come home and the “real journey” will begin.  

Before God put adoption on our hearts, I wasn’t sure I knew exactly what the terms “attachment” and “bonding” meant, as they related to adoption.  In fact, it was something that came so naturally with our biological children, that it wasn’t something I thought or worried about.  Now, though, it is something I pray for daily, as we start our life with Cooper. 

Tim and I have read books, articles and blogs.  We have gone to seminars, talked to friends and listened to professionals.  We know how important….no, VITAL…Cooper forming a secure attachment to us is.  “Secure attachment helps children learn to believe that they are lovable, that trust in parents is wise, and that others will help them when they have needs.” (from the book Attachment in Adoption).  There are several situations that can cause a child to lose attachment:

Separation from parents through foster care moves

Adoption after attachment to another parent figure

Prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol

Sexual abuse, physical abuse and domestic violence

Mental illness of a parent figure

Orphanage care

Hospitalization of parent or child

Neglect

We don’t know all of Cooper’s story, but it is VERY likely that he has experienced most of these situations in his short life.  For this reason, we feel very confident in establishing a plan that will help us help him….This is our Attachment Plan (some has been borrowed from others):

•          We will not be welcoming outside visitors into our home for the first few weeks. 
•           Tim and I will be the only people to hold Cooper for the first 6 weeks.
•           We will carry Cooper in a sling or front carrier, as much as possible…our goal is 6 hours per day.
•           Tim and I will be the only ones to care for his basic needs….feeding, changing, bathing, and putting to sleep.
•            During Cooper’s wakeful hours, we will not be answering the phone or be on the computer. 
•           We are going to do our best to keep our family together as much as possible. We aren’t exactly sure what this looks like.  Extracurricular activities have become a big part of our children’s lives, so we will limit these on an individual basis.
•           Cooper will sleep in our room for the first few weeks.
•          We will respond to every cry he makes and not let him “cry it out”.
•           For the first few weeks, we will keep his world calm and simple.  We will not bombard him with a lot of new toys, but will spend time in interactive play (nursery rhymes, finger plays, etc.).
•          We will keep Cooper at home for the first few weeks, except for critical appointments and doctors’ visits.
•          We do not plan on putting Cooper in the church nursery.  He will stay in the church service with us.
•          We will establish a healthy routine for Cooper, so that he will feel “at home” more quickly.
•          We DO plan on inviting friends and family to the airport when we return from Ethiopia.  However, Cooper will remain in his carrier the entire time, because we know it will be very overwhelming for him.  We can’t wait for Cooper to meet everyone!

We recognize that so many of you are excited about him joining our family.   You’re probably also very excited about meeting him and loving on him.  We want you to be involved in his life, just as you have with his brothers and sister.  However, the best way you can show him love in the first few weeks that he is home is by making it easy for us to stick to this plan. 

We hope the beginning attachment process will last about 6 weeks or so.  However, we plan to be flexible as we’ve never done this before and have no idea how Cooper will respond. 

We remember when we first heard about attachment, we thought it was a little extreme and, frankly, kind of crazy.  However, as we’ve read and studied more, we’ve come to understand how important it is.  If you are interested in learning more about it, we’ve included some links below that can articulate it much better than we can. 

Books:

The Connected Child  by Karyn Purvis

Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child  by Patty Cogen

Attaching in Adoption  by Deborah D. Gray

Other Resources:

Empowered to Connect  by Karen Purvis

“Planning for Attachment and Bonding” Part 1 and Part 2 from A Moment Cherished

“Our Attachment Plan” Part 1 and Part 2 from Josh, Candace and Cole

We love you all! Thank you so much for your grace and support!