Our Attachment Plan

Tim and I started this adoption process almost 2 years ago.  We have definitely had our ups and downs, highs and lows, but I can’t say I would change a single thing.  God has taught us so much and we have grown so much!  And it is all just the beginning.  In a couple of weeks we will return to Ethiopia and gain custody of our son, Cooper.  After about a week in-country we will come home and the “real journey” will begin.  

Before God put adoption on our hearts, I wasn’t sure I knew exactly what the terms “attachment” and “bonding” meant, as they related to adoption.  In fact, it was something that came so naturally with our biological children, that it wasn’t something I thought or worried about.  Now, though, it is something I pray for daily, as we start our life with Cooper. 

Tim and I have read books, articles and blogs.  We have gone to seminars, talked to friends and listened to professionals.  We know how important….no, VITAL…Cooper forming a secure attachment to us is.  “Secure attachment helps children learn to believe that they are lovable, that trust in parents is wise, and that others will help them when they have needs.” (from the book Attachment in Adoption).  There are several situations that can cause a child to lose attachment:

Separation from parents through foster care moves

Adoption after attachment to another parent figure

Prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol

Sexual abuse, physical abuse and domestic violence

Mental illness of a parent figure

Orphanage care

Hospitalization of parent or child

Neglect

We don’t know all of Cooper’s story, but it is VERY likely that he has experienced most of these situations in his short life.  For this reason, we feel very confident in establishing a plan that will help us help him….This is our Attachment Plan :

•       We will not be welcoming outside visitors into our home for the first few weeks. 
•       Tim and I will be the only people to hold Cooper for the first 6 weeks.
•       We will carry Cooper in a sling or front carrier, as much as possible…our goal is 6 hours per day.
•       Tim and I will be the only ones to care for his basic needs….feeding, changing, bathing, and putting to sleep.
•       During Cooper’s wakeful hours, we will not be answering the phone or be on the computer. 
•       We are going to do our best to keep our family together as much as possible. We aren’t exactly sure what this looks like.  Extracurricular activities have become a big part of our children’s lives, so we will limit these on an individual basis.
•      Cooper will sleep in our room for the first few weeks.
•       We will respond to every cry he makes and not let him “cry it out”.
•       For the first few weeks, we will keep his world calm and simple.  We will not bombard him with a lot of new toys, but will spend time in interactive play (nursery rhymes, finger plays, etc.).
•       We will keep Cooper at home for the first few weeks, except for critical appointments and doctors’ visits.
•       We do not plan on putting Cooper in the church nursery.  He will stay in the church service with us.
•       We will establish a healthy routine for Cooper, so that he will feel “at home” more quickly.
•       We DO plan on inviting friends and family to the airport when we return from Ethiopia.  However, Cooper will remain in his carrier the entire time, because we know it will be very overwhelming for him.  We can’t wait for Cooper to meet everyone!

We recognize that so many of you are excited about him joining our family.   You’re probably also very excited about meeting him and loving on him.  We want you to be involved in his life, just as you have with his brothers and sister.  However, the best way you can show him love in the first few weeks that he is home is by making it easy for us to stick to this plan. 

We hope the beginning attachment process will last about 6 weeks or so.  However, we plan to be flexible as we’ve never done this before and have no idea how Cooper will respond. 

We remember when we first heard about attachment, we thought it was a little extreme and, frankly, kind of crazy.  However, as we’ve read and studied more, we’ve come to understand how important it is.  If you are interested in learning more about it, we’ve included some links below that can articulate it much better than we can. 

Books:

The Connected Child  by Karyn Purvis

Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child  by Patty Cogen

Attaching in Adoption  by Deborah D. Gray

Other Resources:

Empowered to Connect  by Karen Purvis

“Planning for Attachment & Bonding” Part 1 and Part 2 from A Moment Cherished

“Our Attachment Plan” Part 1 and Part 2 from Josh, Candace and Cole

We love you all! Thank you so much for your grace and support!

Our Attachment Plan

Tim and I started this adoption process almost 2 years ago.  We have definitely had our ups and downs, highs and lows, but I can’t say I would change a single thing.  God has taught us so much and we have grown so much!  And it is all just the beginning.  In a couple of weeks we will return to Ethiopia and gain custody of our son, Cooper.  After about a week in-country we will come home and the “real journey” will begin.  

Before God put adoption on our hearts, I wasn’t sure I knew exactly what the terms “attachment” and “bonding” meant, as they related to adoption.  In fact, it was something that came so naturally with our biological children, that it wasn’t something I thought or worried about.  Now, though, it is something I pray for daily, as we start our life with Cooper. 

Tim and I have read books, articles and blogs.  We have gone to seminars, talked to friends and listened to professionals.  We know how important….no, VITAL…Cooper forming a secure attachment to us is.  “Secure attachment helps children learn to believe that they are lovable, that trust in parents is wise, and that others will help them when they have needs.” (from the book Attachment in Adoption).  There are several situations that can cause a child to lose attachment:

Separation from parents through foster care moves

Adoption after attachment to another parent figure

Prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol

Sexual abuse, physical abuse and domestic violence

Mental illness of a parent figure

Orphanage care

Hospitalization of parent or child

Neglect

We don’t know all of Cooper’s story, but it is VERY likely that he has experienced most of these situations in his short life.  For this reason, we feel very confident in establishing a plan that will help us help him….This is our Attachment Plan (some has been borrowed from others):

•          We will not be welcoming outside visitors into our home for the first few weeks. 
•           Tim and I will be the only people to hold Cooper for the first 6 weeks.
•           We will carry Cooper in a sling or front carrier, as much as possible…our goal is 6 hours per day.
•           Tim and I will be the only ones to care for his basic needs….feeding, changing, bathing, and putting to sleep.
•            During Cooper’s wakeful hours, we will not be answering the phone or be on the computer. 
•           We are going to do our best to keep our family together as much as possible. We aren’t exactly sure what this looks like.  Extracurricular activities have become a big part of our children’s lives, so we will limit these on an individual basis.
•           Cooper will sleep in our room for the first few weeks.
•          We will respond to every cry he makes and not let him “cry it out”.
•           For the first few weeks, we will keep his world calm and simple.  We will not bombard him with a lot of new toys, but will spend time in interactive play (nursery rhymes, finger plays, etc.).
•          We will keep Cooper at home for the first few weeks, except for critical appointments and doctors’ visits.
•          We do not plan on putting Cooper in the church nursery.  He will stay in the church service with us.
•          We will establish a healthy routine for Cooper, so that he will feel “at home” more quickly.
•          We DO plan on inviting friends and family to the airport when we return from Ethiopia.  However, Cooper will remain in his carrier the entire time, because we know it will be very overwhelming for him.  We can’t wait for Cooper to meet everyone!

We recognize that so many of you are excited about him joining our family.   You’re probably also very excited about meeting him and loving on him.  We want you to be involved in his life, just as you have with his brothers and sister.  However, the best way you can show him love in the first few weeks that he is home is by making it easy for us to stick to this plan. 

We hope the beginning attachment process will last about 6 weeks or so.  However, we plan to be flexible as we’ve never done this before and have no idea how Cooper will respond. 

We remember when we first heard about attachment, we thought it was a little extreme and, frankly, kind of crazy.  However, as we’ve read and studied more, we’ve come to understand how important it is.  If you are interested in learning more about it, we’ve included some links below that can articulate it much better than we can. 

Books:

The Connected Child  by Karyn Purvis

Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child  by Patty Cogen

Attaching in Adoption  by Deborah D. Gray

Other Resources:

Empowered to Connect  by Karen Purvis

“Planning for Attachment and Bonding” Part 1 and Part 2 from A Moment Cherished

“Our Attachment Plan” Part 1 and Part 2 from Josh, Candace and Cole

We love you all! Thank you so much for your grace and support!

Our Journey to Cooper....Days 5 and 6

Thursday started Day 5 of our trip.  We spent the morning with our good friends, Jim and Tiffany Darling.  We dropped them off at the Postal District to do some shopping, and Tim and I visited AHOPE orphanage.  This is an orphanage specifically with children with HIV.  We had some donations to deliver and hoped to spend some time with some of the children, but most of them were in school.  After our visit there, we picked up Jim and Tiff and took them to the Embassy.  Our guide, Job, needed to pick up there official paperwork.  When I say official, I mean, no-one-can-open-this-envelope-except-the-customs-officer official.  This has the child's passport, VISA, and who knows what else inside.  Job got what he needed and we made our way to Metro Pizza to meet the rest of our group.  Since we were a little early, we decided to go next door to Kaldi's....basically Ethiopia's version of Starbucks.  

my caramel mocha

Lunch was good and I was introduced to Ambo...yummy flavored sparkling water!!!  I needed cases of this stuff!  After lunch we went to the Transition Home for our daily Cooper fix. He still wasn't feeling great, but I could tell he was on the mend...a mother's intuition :)

 

one of many fruit stands

Thursday night's dinner was a traditional Ethiopian meal.  It was a lot of fun and I even ventured out and had some of the food.  Tim loved it, of course, and he even got on stage and danced, at their nudging, of course.  It was definitely a night to remember and a cultural experience like no other! We got back to the Guest House just in time to see Jim and Tiffany leave...with Jamesy!!  

Friday was our last day in Ethiopia, and we were so sad!  I couldn't believe I was having to say good-bye to this precious baby.  We spent the morning at the TH with Cooper, soaking in everything about him.  It was our best day yet with him and I was so glad.  God truly is faithful...What a gift that last day was!  I had been praying that he would be completely well for this last day.  When we got to his room, the TH doctor was standing over his bed and he was asleep.  She was just checking on him and sent him to have his temperature checked.  He came back to us fever-free and was happy and playful all morning.   

After our tearful goodbyes, we had lunch with our group at Lucy's. Yummy food, once again!

Job (AWAA guide), Dawit (our driver), and Yonas (AWAA guide) at Lucy's

After lunch, we went to the Postal District for shopping.  We got some great things to bring back home and the prices were great.  We had dinner at the Guest House, that night and packed up all of our things. Our flight left Addis around 10:30.  

Tim and I with Yonas and Dawit at the airport

This trip was so much more than anything I could have imagined!  We fell in love with this country....and we cannot wait to go back.  Right now, we are waiting to be cleared by the U.S. Embassy.  Monday, we got word that they were requesting some more documents from one of the two government orphanages Cooper was in.  America World hoped the Embassy would have those by the end of last week.  With everyone being off on Good Friday, the week was shortened.  So, we are very hopeful that those documents will be in the hands of the Embassy early this week.  Then, we will wait to be cleared and hopefully travel within a week or two.  I have learned with this process that nothing comes easy, nothing is processed quickly, and being patient is just part of the game.  

We wait in hope for the LORD; 

   he is our help and our shield. 

²¹ In him our hearts rejoice, 

   for we trust in his holy name. 

²² May your unfailing love be with us, LORD, 

   even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33:20-22

Our Journey to Cooper....Days 3 and 4

Tuesday was our third day in Ethiopia....and donation day!!  We woke up, had breakfast, and brought ALL of our donations down to be loaded in the van.  Now, when I say ALL of our donations, I'm talking about 3 huge duffel bags full...everything we collected from our church preschool, from friends, even diapers from a fellow AWAA mom...so much stuff.  Not only was it in duffel bags, but it was also divided up according to where we would be taking it.  The majority of it was going to the AWAA TH (where Cooper currently is), but I also knew we would be visiting Kid's Care Orphanage and Kingdom Vision International (KVI).  Tim and I, also, wanted to visit AHOPE, so I had a separate bag for them.  So thankful for the large and x-large Ziploc bags.  They made it so easy to just pick up and go!  But, before we did our visiting of orphanages, we met with Duni, our AWAA facilitator, in-country.  She sat us down, talked with us and the Cassidy's about our adoptions, and went over how court would work.  She told us that we probably would not pass court because we probably would not have "the MOWA letter". This letter is vital to passing court and basicly says that the country of Ethiopia sees you fit to adopt one of its children.  A couple of weeks prior, there had been some changes made to the MOWA system and they were cutting back on the number of letters that were written.  So, we felt confident we would not pass and did not expect to.  We knew we would be given another court date in the next couple of weeks...disappointing, but things could be worse.  She went on to say that because Cooper was HIV+, she was going to plead one more time with MOWA and try to get that letter.  So, now we had a small glimmer of hope that seemed to grow as the hours went by.  We were not scheduled for court until Wednesday, plenty of time for the hope to grow.  

After meeting with Duni, we were driven by, David, our main driver to the TH.  We gave them all of our donations, gifts for the nannies, and delivered care packages that other AWAA families had sent for their little ones. Even though this was quite hectic, it was a lot of fun.  I so enjoyed getting to take pictures and serve these families.  I've been on the other side of this, waiting in anticipation for new pictures, and it was a pleasure to be able to help others.  I even got to take pics of some of our best friends' 5 month old daughter.... priceless!  After all the hullabaloo, we spent a couple of hours with Cooper.  Not as much time, but better than nothing.  He was happy and seemed to even recognize us...maybe...a little.  I did notice, that one time he followed Tim around the porch with his eyes.  It's really hard to explain, but when you are going through this, you look for every possible sign of attachment and pray really hard for your child to form a bond with you.  So, crying when a transition is made, looking in your eyes when giving them a bottle, following you with their eyes....are all good signs.  

Yes, those are my shoes in the background.  Fellow AWAA families traveling soon: please don't make the mistake I did of wearing lace-up shoes to the TH...wear slip-ons. I had heard this, but was thinking comfort over convenience.  Won't do that again!  You are constantly taking your shoes on and off....mine happened to be off here :)

After being at the TH, we ate lunch at Blue Tops Restaurant and then went to Kid's Care Orphanage.  Such sweet kids, here.  They sang some songs for us and played a few games.  Tim even got in one of them.  We were also served coffee and popcorn, while burning incense (This is a customary coffee ceremony that occurs when guests arrive....They even do this in some shops).  We bought a few Kid's Care t-shirts and handmade puzzles from an employee at the orphanage (one of my favorite things I bought).   

Next, we went to KVI orphanage.  We gave them our donations and visited with the children there.  I had put together some treat bags for each of the children, containing a small toy or two, a pencil, and a piece of candy.  It was so hilarious (kind of), to see the kids not like what was in their bag and ask for another.  Wow. Here's my two cents, for what it's worth....If you plan on doing this, make every bag  exactly the same.  Kids will be kids. Overall, we had a great time at the orphanages, the kids were so 

sweet, and it really opened our eyes to the need for adoptions of older kids. 

We had dinner, that night, at Family Restaurant, with the Lester and Benkert families that run the Drawn from the Water ministry.  It was so great to hear their story and learn all about what they are doing in Ethiopia.  

Wednesday was COURT DAY!!  We had breakfast and met Yonas (our AWAA guide) in the lobby around 9:30.  He took us to the Ethiopia Federal Court building, where we would meet with the judge.  I will never forget this building, the waiting room we were in with 30 other people.  Every seat along the wall was taken, so we stood up in the middle of the room, the only white people except one couple from Europe.  I definitely felt like everyone was staring at us.  I later learned that all of "these people" were birth moms and birth families.  They may have been wondering if we were adopting their child.  We waited for about 30 minutes when Yonas said, "We are going to wait a little longer.  Your letter is on its way."  Just like that, so non-chalantly.  What!!???! Our letter!!???  THE letter!??!!  The one we were told wasn't going to be here??!! Tim and I could barely contain ourselves.  I remember asking Yonas if this meant what I thought it meant, if we were going to pass.  Cautiously, as only Yonas can, he said, "This is good news." The next hour drug on for-ev-er.  Finally, we were called in.  The judge asked us a few questions, closed our passports and said, "He is all yours.  Congratulations." AAAGGGHHHH!!!!!  This was totally God!! I instantly thought of all of our family and friends back home...some we don't even know personally, friends of friends that have heard our story, Cooper's story.  I was reminded of all the prayers being said for us that night.  While everyone in the states was asleep, we were in court.  Thank you so much for being a part of this journey.  You will NEVER know what it has meant to our family!  We just became a family of 6! 

Because our court appointment lasted so long, we ended up missing our trip to the coffee factory (We will definitely be doing that when we go back for Embassy).  We went to lunch at Makush, and then went to the TH to see Cooper.  That afternoon, we had an appointment with his HIV doctor, who is at a clinic about 30 minutes away.  When we arrived at the TH, Cooper was not there.  We found out that he had spiked a fever and they had taken him to a clinic down the street to have some blood work done.  The blood work came back fine and he ended up just having an upper respiratory infection, but that was enough craziness for me!  He came back to the TH, and we loaded him back up to head to the HIV clinic.  Remember 30 minutes away....in a van...no carseat....holding a sick baby that is running a fever....80 degrees outside....no air conditioning....on the bumpy roads of Addis Ababa.  Not a fun trip!  We made it, had a great visit with the doctors, and went back to the TH.  I think we spent more time in the van, than we did with the doctor!  

It was so hard having to see Cooper so sick....I felt confident he was getting pain reliever for his fever, but not sure how often, and knowing he needed his momma, broke my heart.  He finally fell asleep and I left him that way, in his bed.  

We went to the Boston Spa that night.  Tim and I both had 1 hour massages and I got a pedicure....a great treat and definitely worth it.  By the time we got back to the GH, it was around 8:30 and neither of us wanted dinner.  My emotions were all over the place and I was ready for some sleep.  

blue taxicabs

Look familiar?

a man sewing on the side of the road

the view from the top of the GH

Our Journey to Cooper....Days 1 and 2

"Africa is a cruel continent;

it takes your heart and grinds it into powdered stone-and no one minds."

-ElspethHuxley

We got back from Ethiopia 2 1/2 weeks ago....our first trip to meet our son, Cooper. The jet-lag is finally subsiding, homeschooling has resumed, little league baseball is in full-swing, deciding what to cook for dinner is on my daily to-do list......and I long to go back! Back to the birth-country of my 4th child...where "Amesegenalehu"is "thank you", begging on the streets is a way of life for most, orphans are EVERYWHERE, the people are so gracious and kind, the sights and sounds are overwhelming, yet so soothing. Ethiopia and a little boy named Cooper Tinsae have captured this momma's heart...

After a 13 hour flight from Washington D.C., we arrived in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. It was around 7:30 am (Ethiopia time) on Sunday. We left the airport and headed straight for the Guest House (GH), freshened up, and went to church....the International Evangelical Church. Great worship and sermon, but we were exhausted. Tim was constantly nodding off and to make it worse, he was sitting on the aisle, where everyone could see him. I was so afraid he would fall out of his chair! I was surviving on pure adrenaline....It was crazy. After church we went to eat at Island Breeze Restaurant....the best chicken fajitas! And then to the Transition Home (TH)....our "Meetcha Day".

The rest of our group had been there a few days, so we were the only ones meeting our child for the first time. They all grabbed our cameras and were ready to capture the special moment. It is all so surreal and one of those moments when you look back at the video and pictures and think "Oh, I really don't remember saying that" or "What was I doing there?". Cooper was absolutely precious. He didn't cry immediately, but the first time I kissed him, he let out a squeal of dislike. He was so stiff and scared....He was outside for one - something he was not used to, and two, we didn't look or smell like anything he had ever come in contact with. Pretty scary stuff for a baby!

After a while, he warmed up to us more and we got a few giggles out of him, fed him a bottle and he napped.

We stayed at the TH for a couple of hours, just enough time to get him relaxed. Little did I know, this would be the norm for the next 5 days. We left the TH and went to GH, ate dinner and went to bed. What a day!

Monday morning, we got up after not having slept great. Did we even sleep? All I remember is hearing dogs bark all night long....but I had a hard time complaining...man, I love that place! Our breakfast, every morning, was wonderful. The GH has its own chef, David. He always had papaya, pancake-like pastries, fresh Ethiopian coffee, and watermelon....and if you request them, eggs, any style. After breakfast, our AWAA guide, Yonas, took us to the Holy Trinity Cathedral and museum. It was beautiful and we got a quick Ethiopia history lesson from him. Addis Ababa is about 60% Eastern Orthodox Christian and 40% Muslim, and this cathedral is the oldest one in Addis.

We met the rest of our group for lunch at the Amsterdam Restaurant. Tim had his first taste of Ethiopian food in Ethiopia...tibs. I had pizza. We took a total role reversal on our likes and dislikes for food. I am usually the one that will try anything and Tim is usually so picky. So, think the opposite in ET. I was scared to try the food....he ate anything and everything. I stuck to all the Italian food that is all over Addis (Italy once ruled ET). After lunch we went back to the TH to see Cooper.

We had a better day...more relaxed with us and played a little more. I gave him a bottle and he napped....great bonding time.

While I held Cooper, Tim played with some of the older kids. This was also the day that our friends, Karen and David Cassidy got to meet their kids for the first time. I got the priviledge of taking pics of their special time together. So sweet to see kids 11 and 12 years old meeting their parents for the first time....talk about pulling at your heartstrings! After being at the TH for a few hours we said good-bye and went back to the GH. We ate dinner there and visited with Jim and Tiffany Darling. Tim and I both treasure their friendship so much and were thrilled to be traveling with them. We also said goodbye to Josh and Candace Jones. Their stay in Addis was coming to an end, just as ours was beginning.